Kam Fong Blog

There Is Nothing To Talk About

2008-02-28T20:00:41Z

"Grab on to the wheel, everybody wants the deal" - Tony Carey

Ah, the art of the deal. It seems my thoughts on love have sparked your interest in this most sacred skill. Let no fool convince you otherwise; all business is negotiation. All life as we know it is built on the negotiation of one power asserting its dominance over another. The rest is a footnote in the End User Agreement.

]]> Oh, the games we play. Tweak a word, a turn of phrase, and suddenly, another slice has been made; the universe is a finite pie of infinite pieces to be divided among the shrewd, while idiots scramble for the crumbs left behind.

Do you think you are so different? What have you done today that you have not agreed to, if by nothing else than your lack of assertion? How much of your life is an automated conveyor belt of unchecked conformity and involuntary obligation? Sign here; agree to our terms and conditions; the details are in the fine print. You are a slave to those who own you every time you sign your name. $0 down, low monthly payments, do not pay until next year. Another one bites the dust. Thank you for your business.

It is not so for everyone. For the privileged few, there is room at the top for those with minds as sharp as their teeth. We are the true players; the only ones who really count. We call the shots. We make the rules. We created the game, and it is played for us.

One day you may join our echelon. To raise through the ranks, you must know the following:

NO MEANS YES

All conflict arises from an imbalance of power. Restore the balance, and victory is yours. To achieve victory, you must know it. To know victory is to win. Winning is a state of mind. To win is to be right... Always assume you are right. Acknowledge resistance, but do not comply with it. Allow the other parties to grow weary of their own conceits. Disagreement is irrational. Appease argument, but do not comply. Be cordial, but do not concede. Soothe with words of candor and grace. Agree and reframe as necessary, to turn every statement into an affirmation of your own.

EVERYONE WANTS WHAT YOU DO

Know that the truth of every man's heart is a reflection of your own. See through his weaknesses and resistance to appeal to his deepest desires. Nothing is so peaceful as two men in agreement. Seek this harmony by offering instant resolution through your terms.

CARE LESS

In business, as in love, the one who cares the least has all the power. Abandon your emotions to solely determinant will. Know what you want, and abandon all attachment beyond the irrefutable need to have it. Stake nothing but your simple absolution. If you have no reason to lose, you will win every time.

SHOOT FIRST

Force confrontation on your terms. Make the first offer. Make the second offer. Allow for the illusion of control by feigning vulnerability. Strike to reveal an opponent's weakness, and exploit it with false sincerity and fixed generosity.

SHUT UP

When all has been said, let there be nothing left to say: just shut up. The less said, the less to disagree with. Talk is like blinking; the first one to do it loses. Good deals need no words. And remember... money always talks louder than you do.

Shame Made Easy

2008-02-21T19:32:03Z

Ah, the art of humiliation. What could be more entertaining than an evening of fun at the expense of others? Behold, the karaoke dinner party! You can tell a lot about a man by the way he breaks down in front of a room full of strangers.

Hosting the perfect karaoke party is no small feat. When I was ten, my Dad once killed a man in front of my brothers and I for tripping over the amp cord at the peak of The Bangles' "Eternal Flame". We learned that bumbling, drunken idiocy should be kept strictly to the spotlight.

]]> The key is to lure unsuspecting victims with the promise of joy and laughter in exchange for the modest price of their dignity. Once sufficiently lubricated to the point of drunken stupor and incoherent babbling, a man's deepest vulnerabilities can be exposed for ridicule under the uncanny spotlight of sacred emotional territory made accessible by catchy pop sensibility.

To set the mood, offer unlimited consumption of your favourite inhibition-reducing substance. I prefer Zima. It has recently come to my knowledge that this is miraculous gift to the senses is not to everyone's preference. To be fair, as I always am, I present the following alternative recipes for your enjoyment:

Jim Jarlewski's "Booze With 'Tude"

1oz spiced rum (Jim recommends the Captain).

6oz sports drink (the electrolytes counteract any possible negative side effects of the booze)

Serve in a 12oz plastic sports bottle to avoid spillage when things get interesting

Cancer Cowboy's Chugatussin' Cocktail

Ample quantities of Cherry flavoured cough syrup

The will to continue

Remember: It is not enough that a man be shamed. He must be destroyed in all but physical form, stripped down to the naked tatters of his shattered pride. He must profess his unworthiness in tormented squeals of mid-tempo adult contemporary. The microphone is his instrument of acoustical Seppuku, accompanied only by the utter desecration of his entire ancestral heritage. Verbal bleach must rain down upon his future seed in off-key melodies! His disgrace must be absolute. And video-taped.

Do You Think the Clothes Make the Man?

2008-02-13T18:53:58Z

I am often asked for the secret to my success. There is, of course, an easy answer; but only for those who can understand it. For these people, all that is needed is a gentle push - a silent nod - and they will rise. Such pedigree is a rare and precious find. I seek such individuals like a delectable treasure. On them, I do not need to waste my time explaining what cannot be taught.

]]> Those who do not understand are invariably poorly dressed. If the clothes make the man, "poor" is what they are. They literally wear their ignorance for the world to see. They do not even realize it. So be it. I would rather kill a man than tell him how to dress. He is failing well enough on his own. It is not my duty to dispel such ignorance. A true master chooses his students. I reserve my advice for only those who will receive it.

A man's wardrobe imbues his essence. It is an extension of his character, for better, or for worse. His clothes are a mirror reflection of his mind.

A foolish man is unkempt and ugly, inside and out. He is weak, unable to manifest a harmonious version of his state. His choices are random and chaotic, mismatched and uncoordinated. He is plain and unremarkable. His fashion sense, if it can be called that, is dictated by settling for only the cheapest, most common choices, if he makes a choice at all. He allows his clothes - inanimate objects! - to choose how the world will receive him, without even realizing how much of his personal power he is sacrificing. Those who know this laugh at his ineptitude. To the successful, he is a pawn - unfocused and lost, desperate for a strong mind to lead him. Or use him. He is easily intimidated by what he does not understand, and so, can be manipulated or humiliated with the barest effort. He resents his failure, but he is helpless to surmount it. He gives up, and chooses (despite his awareness) to accept that fashion is "not for him". He remains stagnant and unrealized. His confidence evaporates. He is an embarrassment to those around him. They avoid him, and soon forget him. He is tattered and worn, a useless eyesore of no redeeming value, fit for disposal.

A successful man is sculpted by his perfection. He has designed his being through realizing the power of his choice. He has used this awareness to educate himself on higher standards. He applies his knowledge without reserve, to filter and focus his personal style into a precise cut of form and appeal. His manner is immaculate. His appearance is timeless and immediate. He commands the attention of those who surround him, who cannot deny his superiority no matter how they may despise him - and they must, as he reminds them so acutely of their own shortcomings. The superior man does not bother to care. He knows such negativity is rooted in fear and envy. He exists beyond the pettiness of those beneath him. His success is not measured by money or power, though he no doubt possesses both in abundance; rather, his measure is implicit, by the simple purity of his being. He is the living embodiment of his finest ideal, a manifestation of his deity. He exists in the highest possible state of his being. The light of his centre illuminates all. He is a source of inspiration and admiration to those around him. They covet not just what he has, but what he is. To others, his wardrobe seems out of reach, exquisite and expensive, impossible to the common man, but this alone is neither the source nor the function of his power. It is simply the mark of his sophisticated choices. He is known not to settle, not to compromise, not to clothe him-self in the rags of paupers, or the cheap gimmickry of poseurs. He has honoured his being by selecting only those items that elevate it, accepting excellence as his only standard. He has adorned himself as a champion, in the regalia of his lordship, in service to his divinity. He controls his attire as sharply as his destiny. He sees his clothing as a function of his business, executed with the same refinement of value and judgment that exemplifies every aspect of his success. He has made fashion his own with the command of an absolute master. The world around him bends to accommodate his essence. The gravity of his authority influences all who witness him. It is he who decides what value to hold, and in doing so, those he effects scramble to measure up to his supremacy. It is he who decides what is disposed. The clothes do not make such man. He is the man. The clothes are made for him.

So You Think You Can Dance?

2008-02-06T18:03:45Z

Let it be clear. I spend a lot of time in dark places. In fact, I own and operate several. The club is my natural habitat. The air is thick, the liquor is flowing, and the bodies are grinding... My kind of place. I am the man in the back you fear and want to be. I sit behind the velvet ropes. I am surrounded by beautiful women and supplicating lackeys who do my bidding. Do not make eye contact. I can have you hanging upside down in the basement face-first in a bucket of pig urine with a snap of my finger if I don't like the hat you've worn to my establishment. Sometimes I haul someone down just for the hell of it. Nothing gets a rise like a man desperately proclaiming his innocence.

]]> It always amuses me to see how the chronically uncool attempt to mask their ineptitude in the desperate quest for acceptance. You should know I do give points for effort. As a reward, I've been known to grant those who really try with a brief audience with myself, during which I give a few pointers and a cash purse with enough to make it happen. What can I say? Nothing makes me feel better than helping someone inferior. I am a man of the people.

I observe the drama of the dance floor. Through the sweat and the swelter, I realize one thing: Most of you can't dance for @#$!.

Dance is the art of the body in movement. To feel the music is to fall into the fever of beat and rhythm that compels the feet, and envelops the soul. It is the majesty of motion. The art of dance is a sacred ritual. It is the utmost expression of the purest grace. It is beauty defined as movement.

With the stop-motion bobble-headed spasms of an electrocuted chicken I see you thrashing about under the strobes. If such tactless seizures were not so brutally common amongst the proletariat (and I didn't know it would so drastically cut into profits), I would have you eliminated on sight as an example to the rest... I would mandate certification in some kind of movement science along with dress code as a bare minimum for entrance to my establishments. Unfortunately, if the average night is any indication of your limbic abilities, there would be no one left.

So gather 'round, you enemies of culture. Your unholy ass-flapping may be an unchecked cancer on the sanctity of my appreciation, but your blight is not absolute. There is still one form of dance that will never be diluted and debased by the banality of common man. It is the last bastion of grace left is a world of fap and puerility. It is the Art of Ballroom.

There is only one man beside myself who has even exceeded my standards. He is truly one of the Great; the most worthy living artist of our time. His name is Jim Jarlewski. As of today, I am honoured to say he is my close and personal friend.

Love: Why Negotiate?

2008-01-15T16:00:00Z

Love is a transaction. Every man must know his worth. He must expect nothing less in return. Unconditional love is a myth perpetuated by the kind of imbecile who expects one day find in the arms of another what does not exist in the universe: a free lunch. It is no wonder to me why such fools wind up dining on a bullet. Love can never be free. It is a union based on a contractual exchange for mutual benefit. There is no difference between love and business. Both are a simple trade of compatible values. The economics are just as straightforward, and the math never changes. I do care to explain the foolish of love... It is not economically prosperous for a man of my position to be "in love". Foolery of the heart weakens the resolve of the mind. I do not compromise. I do not negotiate. Love is no different.

How to Always Get What You Want

2008-01-08T00:10:37Z

Do you believe in luck? Fate? Getting what you deserve? Then you are a fool. Not to mention broke. And weak. And stupid. You are a puppet in the hands of those who control you. You realize you could be more. You could be them. But you are not. Why? Easy. I always get what I want. There is exactly one reason why: I choose to.

The process is simple:

1. WANT IT

You will achieve nothing unless you want it. There is no such thing as "luck". Success is a choice. Desire is the will to succeed. Decision is the act of will. Vision is the secret to it all. A man who has no desire is nothing but a tool for those who do. When your heart is lit by the fire of your passion, your hands will warm the objects of your desire. When you know what you want, you become unstoppable. This is what separates the wolves from the flock. Winners choose. Losers snooze. There will always be someone willing to follow your will for what they lack in their own. Know that without your vision to guide them, they are blind. Use them to reach your preferred destination.

]]> 2. FIND IT

If you want it, someone else has it. Do not wait for them to find you. Make your desire known. Know your sources. Ensure you are top priority. Insist... if necessary. Seek a transaction. Make a deal. Name your terms. Do not wait to be asked. Beware of threats. Assimilate your competition. Failing that, eliminate it.

3. TAKE IT

Borrow, beg, cheat, lie and steal. Do whatever it takes. Use other people's money. Use other people. Never pay the asking price. Only a fool buys retail.

4. STEP FOUR IS UNNECESSARY

Library shelves sag under the weight of volumes others have written on the topic... Get rich schemes... Marketing pyramids... Referrals and rebates... All useless. Do not waste your time and resources. Forget the hackneyed snake charmers and babbling monkeys at their typewriters. Words are pointless filler. Only one idea matters. Only will matters. This is the only thing to get. Everything else is a footnote.

Now make sure you do not lose it.

5. NEVER COMPROMISE

Always get the better deal. Do not settle for less than the most. Manipulate, scheme, spin, twist, confabulate, delegate, confiscate, allocate... Never, ever compromise. Lie if you have to. Do not hesitate to eliminate those in your way. Enforce your will absolutely. If you do not, someone else will. Like me.

If you can do this, nothing can defeat you.